Some may have noticed, if they pay attention, that I’ve either stuffed most of my old art into a separate folder or had it removed. As summer has begun it’s close into fall I’ve decided to make a several changes. Some will like this, others won’t. For those who do not, sucks to be you, you aren’t who I do this for. I do this for myself.
A lot has come down the pipe in the past year, most of it hard and creating a struggle for myself just to stay afloat. I quit my decent paying job due to the unprofessional and resulting hostile work environment there. Right now I’m in between jobs, and for the longest time had fallen into a state of depression as a result of finding it hard to keep my head above water.
But amidst all this murk and muck some good did come of it. It’s made me realize just how unhappy I really was before. Sure I was making enough money to get by, could afford to buy what I liked, and even be able to put some of it away, but for it I had to put myself in a state of constantly being devalued both as an employee at a job I worked my ass off for and as a person. There were many situations of hypocritical bullshit, lies, manipulation, and favoritisms that occurred there for nearing two years. The entire time I lied to myself and pretended it was something I could let slid off my back like a duck, that I could endure it and sooner or later my hard work would pay off. But like many must, I came to the eventual realization that this wasn’t going to have the payoff I busted ass over, there was no room for growth in the company like myself and many others had been promised from day one, and the illegal and backstabbing activities would be a forever reoccurring shit storm. And this wasn’t where I wanted to be now or 5 years down the road either.
I mentioned some good came of this, and in fact it did. After many days of feeling utterly broken down to where I didn’t know where I was going or what measures to take next, I came to a realization. I’ve known where I want to be all along, the problem was I had no idea what to do to get there. I thought drawing on the side while having the other thing as a day job would get me someplace in time, but it wasn’t moving me in the direction I needed to go. I’m just sorry it took me so long to see that, like I do now. Soon as paypal clears it I’ll be opening for commissions, but not that alone. While I will be looking for something part-time somewhere else to keep up with bills, I’ll also be working on my own comics, ideas I’ve let sit on the backburner because I thought I had no time or lacked the skill yet to attempt them.
For so long I’ve been forcing myself to do something because I thought I had to and the result was my love for drawing being zapped away and my mental state falling into a previous set close to that like when my grandpa passed away. No more. Time to get up, pick up the stylus, and do what I love for ME.
For those who want to watch and see where I go from here, I hope you enjoy the ride along. Life’s not easy, you often will find yourself struggling or being forced to make choices simply because you feel you have no other way to go. Sometimes that means raising your fist and blowing a hole through the nearest wall to make your own way out. It’s never easy, you’ll make tough choices, and they won’t always be the right ones. You’ll fall on your ass more times than there are teeth in your mouth. And it’s alright if when it hurts you lay there for a while, only so long as you get back up. You do it for you not them.